Meanwhile… 069
Meanwhile… 069
This recurring character, Astrid, has started to become something of an avatar for any melancholic disenchantment I have, be it inspired by influences internal or external, while also embodying my dissent against such a thing.
When I ended the last instalment with Astrid’s approach into this one, the reason for the discontent at that time (a sadness I carry still) was that I’d only just resigned from my position as an early year’s educator, an occupation that’s the only one I’ve ever actually enjoyed, felt good at, and didn’t carry the elements that other work might in regards to Autistic burnout.
Indeed, part of my diagnosis was the recognition of the fact that teaching (aside from my time spent working alone at home in IT) was the only profession I’d ever had that had lasted longer than 4 to 6 months without a complete mental breakdown.
It’s been a profession that I’ve adored and excelled at for 11 long years. More than that, it’s long been the other half of who I’ve been and what truly made me happy, what I cared about, and where I felt I belonged. So walking away from it was not an easy decision to make. But it was very much a necessary one.
As much as my being Autistic has (in my opinion) served as a great benefit when dealing with children - neurodivergent or otherwise - the downside of it is that I struggle with the nuances of staff interactions at the best of times. I can navigate them quite easily, but it comes with an effort that’s incredibly tiring.
So, being Autistic, when those interactions also become toxic in nature, that mental fatigue not only becomes draining, but in my experience it also leaves me vulnerable to greater fatigue, self-doubt and depression.
Without the nitty-gritty details of why I resigned, I will say that I don’t believe the various circumstances that inspired my resignation were at all fair. That in itself brings with it so many thoughts, among them a feeling of having always been expendable in the role that I had, along with a sense of foolishness for not having realised so sooner. Whether that’s true or not, it’s nonetheless what I’ve been feeling for six weeks now.
In that time, though, I’ve felt and done other things. I’ve felt relieved for being removed from a work environment that wasn’t healthy, I’ve written a children’s book I’m very proud of, I’ve returned to no end of artistic endeavours, and I've also felt saddened, angry, frustrated, lost, depressed, and admittedly even suicidal during the darkest moments.
In short, what I had been doing was grieving the loss of a big part of my life, my identity, my joy.
What I hadn’t done, however, until just last week… was really cry.
I’d shut down.
Emotionally I was feeling “all the things”, but at the same time I wasn’t really feeling anything at all because I’d applied a filter to myself, allowing myself to feel only the thinnest silhouettes of such emotions, and not the solidity of what had cast those shadows. It’s difficult to explain, and also something that may not make much sense unless you’ve done it yourself.
I know from my own experience that being in that state of semi-detachment never ends well for me. I also know from experience that if I don’t find a way to break that detachment, that detachment will find ways of breaking me. And in knowing that, I sometimes have to make a conscious effort to seek inspirations to cry as an outlet, before I can cry for myself.
One of those outlets is music.
Anyway, enough about me and my woes.
This is Astrid doing likewise, using music to break through their hurt and rage to find their sad other self and, in doing so, again seeking joy.
-::-::-::-
brettjcole.com
instagram.com/brettjcole
twitter.com/brettjcole
facebook.com/brettjcole
brettjcole.tumblr.com
Merch Available at Redbubble
bit.ly/BJC-Redbubble
#brettjcole #meanwhileBJC #meanwhile #actuallyautistic #autisticart #autisticartist #autismacceptance #autism #drawing #illustrator #artistsoninstagram #cartoonist #art #writing #depression #mentalhealth #bemorethanyourjob