Meanwhile… 039
Meanwhile… 039
This one… This one was a rather obscure concept (or so I thought) that evolved into something much more personal. I at first wanted to create a dream-like scenario of someone caught in a confusing loop of tasks that had no sense to them, but soon realised that what it was becoming was a take on how confusing I found much of my life to be prior to realising I’m Autistic and what that entails - most importantly to myself and not to others.
Having only just been recognised as Autistic (I personally prefer this term in lieu of “diagnosed”) in late 2019, spending a lot of 2020 in isolation - removed from the norm of expectations both social and occupational (and perhaps even emotional) - afforded me time I’d have not otherwise had to really examine a lot of what my former years had been.
One of the most striking conclusions I came to was that much of my life had been confusing because I’d been doing my damnedest to wedge myself into being the answer to questions that I didn’t understand, simply because I can’t process those questions and expectations in the way they’ve been structured for others.
This room, this person tasked with hurdles and repercussions that make no sense, this is what my life long felt like… an obscure series of tasks with a mythical “reward” that was just as elusive, all at the behest of an unseen taskmaster with rules that never were clear.
As for what amounts to a prisoner’s uniform and the moniker of “25”, that’s the date I was born and entered that confusing room I long felt trapped in. I have two birthdays now. The second being that day that I was reassured that there was nothing wrong with me, what was wrong was trying to be someone I couldn’t. I will always now celebrate both.
In short, part of my new life going forward is to stop trying to be an answer to other people’s expectations (looking at you, problematic puzzle-piece) and instead start my new life going forward by deciding that the questions to ask should be my own, not the questions of others. This is why acceptance is a very different path to that of awareness - something you’ll see much talk of during April’s Autism Awareness Month, which I really wish had more focus on ACCEPTANCE.
Hope that all makes sense. I’m still making sense of it myself, but I’m doing it in my own way and in my own time.
There’s answer enough for me in that.
-::-::-::-
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